Can You Be "Just Friends"

This is a question that I’ve thought about a lot in recent years.  Is it possible for people of the opposite sex to be just friends?  I remember the last time I had a guy friend was back in high school or college, before I had a significant other in my life.  Even then, I didn’t go out of my way to be friends with them-they just happened to be in the same classes and we hung out with the same group of people, according to Psychology Today that is the easiest time in a person’s life to have a friend who is of the opposite sex, they report that shortly thereafter relationships are about finding a mate.

Interestingly enough "The belief that men and women can't be friends comes from another era in which women were at home and men were in the workplace, and the only way they could get together was for romance," explained Linda Sapadin, a psychologist in Valley Stream, New York. "Now they work together and share sports interests and socialize together."[1]

Although it could be tricky to maintain such a delicate balance in becoming friends researchers are finding that there are reasons behind this.  There have been several challenges pointed out by Don O’Meara, Ph. D., at the University of Cincinnati-Raymond Walters College which include: defining it, dealing with attraction, seeing each other as equals, facing people’s responses to the relationship and meeting in the first place.

So, while some researchers agree and even point out that friendships of the opposite sex are important would you be comfortable having a friend of the opposite sex?

In my opinion, if there is mutual respect in your relationship not to want anything more than a friendship then there is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex.  If you are both up front and honest that you just want a plutonic relationship, while it’s hard I feel it is possible for men and women to be friends.

On the other hand, if there is some sort of sexual attraction of any kind, and you didn’t want it to turn into anything romantic, then it’d probably be best not to become so close with that one person in the first place-use your judgment and determine what you want from this pending relationship.

---

[1] “Can Men and Women be Friends?”  PsychologyToday.com  Accessed 2011-07-27

He's Just Not that into You

People are funny, they are-we all have unusual habits that make us a little funny.  I was talking with a good friend the other day, which I’ve known for about 10 years.  She is recently broken up from a pretty serious relationship (they were engaged, for about 2 years), and I asked her how it was going.

Her reply was pretty blunt, and I was a little surprised.  In short, she ultimately said that she didn’t know what she was doing, and she was only seeing a guy once or twice, and then nothing.

I told her she needed to read “He’s Just Not that Into You,” Written by former Sex and the City writer Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.  I know when you hear former Sex and the City writer you might not place very much value on this read, but it is a very, very good book, with some very practical information.

My friend was also saying that she was the one approaching these guys, and pursuing them; which, in my mind is the wrong way about going about all of this.  When you read HJNTIY, you’ll see more clearly that it is the male’s position to pursue the female-which makes sense, the animal kingdom works that way too.  Bottom line, men are simple, they are not going to send mixed messages, if you don’t see them or have any contact with them after the first date/meeting/message-then he’s just not that into you-hopefully you won’t get too hung up about it, and will be able to move on to someone who actually IS interested in you.

Image Source: Men & Women

Why Being Friends is Important

In any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship it’s important to be friends first otherwise it could turn into a strictly business relationship.

You hear people all the time say “I’m married/in a relationship with my best friend.”  Honestly, I never even thought this was possible, but it makes perfect sense.  I’ve never fully understood this until now-many previous relationships were just rushed into, without thinking, do I really like this person as a friend also, could they be a friend, and will they be a friend further down the road.

I’ve also come to find that being in a relationship with someone that is one of your best friends makes life and the relationship a lot more enjoyable-this just seems easier and seamless.  My advice would be to take it slow in the beginning, because even if you like this person in a relationship kind of way, I think if you’re not friends first, when your relationship needs help and attention it’s easier to stray away from because there isn’t that sense of also having a friend.

I was a relationship friend virgin until recently, and I have to say that from this experience there has been a night and day kind of feeling about him and us-and it’s all good.  Our relationship aside, I consider him one of my closest friends, and I know it sounds crazy but it just feels like because of that friendship being in place I feel closer and safer with him.

So, be friends first, and let the relationship portion come naturally-it’ll be more fulfilling that way, and although no relationship is perfect, being friends seems to make things deeper and easier.

Starting Off on the Right Foot

I think in any relationship it’s important to start off on the right foot-otherwise you’re just setting yourself up for a potentially bad ending.  While sometimes it’s hard to admit to ourselves, much less strangers that we may have flaws, or may not be as perfect in reality as we appear in a profile, it’s important to be honest.

After all, most people that are using online dating sites are using it for the good of actually wanting to meet someone that they can build a relationship with.  I think trust can be one of the hardest parts of a relationship, especially if you’ve been burned in the past-but if you try and keep an open mind and stay honest, you’ll find someone who will ideally be in the same mindset.

So, with all this being said, there is a “list” that was created documenting the top four things people lie about when creating their online profile, or looking for a relationship.

1. People lie about their height, according to OK Cupid, who conducted the study, people are really 2” shorter in reality.  What was intriguing from the findings was the fact that taller people in general seem to have more partners.
2.  People lie about their income; according to OK Cupid, "People are 20% poorer than they say they are."
3. Their pictures, "The more attractive the picture, the more likely it is to be out-of-date." On the whole, the dating site found that "over a third of the hottest photos on the site are a year old or more. And more than twice as many hot photos are over three years old (12%) as average-looking ones (5%)."
4. People lie about their sexuality; "80% of self-identified bisexuals are only interested in one gender."

This seems a little disturbing if you really think about it-these findings really hone in on the fact that some people will try to create an illusion of who they really are to get what they want.  But isn’t this the case with traditional dating too?  Everyone wants to make a good impression, and I think it’s only after you know someone for a while that you will truly begin to see who they are and if they’ve been putting up a front so to speak.  I’ve heard various numbers, but it seems to be the case that anywhere from the 3-6 month mark is when a person can no longer keep up with creating an illusion.  You’ll begin to really get to know each other during this time period, and hopefully get to see what the other is made of.

If you’re truthful and honest from the start, then there will be nothing to hide and be stressed about as the relationship progresses.  You’ll also eventually have a partner that trusts you, and vice versa, which I think is the most important.

Photo Credit: Evgeni Dinev

Source Credit: The 4 Things Online Daters Lie About MOST

why men die before women

Just When You Know...

Things become much different when you find that one person that loves you for you.  The person that is not one bit selfish or manipulative.  While I'm not of the belief that you should compare past relationships to current ones it's hard not to do-especially when where you are now is so much better, and who you're with now you love in a kind of way that you never thought was possible before.

It's hard to imagine that this person that is perfect for you is just out there-but it's true, and I'm in complete bliss with what I've found.  It takes time, and patience, but sometimes it just takes something different, something that's not right for you to make you realize and appreciate how important this new person in your life is.

While we've only been together a short while, there are just certain things that you begin to pick up on, that clue you in and make you come to the point of realization that there are people out there that are genuine and do love.  I'm so thankful for what I've found and the special person that's come into my life, he's helped me through a lot and been there for me every step of the way.  I love him so much, more than I've ever loved anyone-that to me is different and telling at the same time.  I know that he is a very special person, so much so that I want him in my life for the long run.  I am so thankful that he has come into my life, and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Sometimes, things are just different and you just find yourself knowing you're in love with this one person that means the world to you.

Stay the course, and try to build from a friendship-after all this is the one person that's going to end up knowing you inside and out-they might as well become one of your closest friends.  Just be you, and be happy with who you are, the right person will come along when you least expect it-trust me.


Image Source: http://nolongercensored.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/60062-leave_someone_committed_relationship_met_someone_felt_compatible_with.jpg

Stay Strong

I recently read an interesting article that pointed out that the majority of people using online dating sites end up canceling their accounts within an average of three months; simply because they get discouraged about not meeting anyone.

I guess the biggest lesson in all of this is that, good things take time-a good solid relationship takes months if not years to strengthen.  This is easy to say, but I have to admit I need to start believing myself and learning to be patient within my own relationships.

It's so hard to see other people around you that already have what you want-you want to be there, and we all just need to become a little stronger, become more patient, and smile :)  Good things take time.