New Year, New You

With the beginning of a new year, we have collected some great advice to have for a different outlook on dating:

1. Let it go

You’ve got to let go of what you’re still hanging on to and also what potentially was the demise of your relationship in the first place. Unsuccessful dating attempts often leave behind a series of many underlying and undefined emotions. If you bring these emotions with you into a new relationship, it’s not healthy--they are toxic to your emotional wellbeing. One of the most important steps in dating detox is learning to let go—at some point everyone needs to forgive and let things go.  If you’re still holding a grudge with a past relationship, it most likely isn’t going to help you move into a successful new one.

2. Consume carefully.

Surround yourself with positive people that will help you work through your navigation of the dating world.  Keep in mind that in this case, you could consider this saying old saying “you are what you eat.”  With this in mind, you want to be getting your advice from reliable resources and trusted friends.  Be careful what you let yourself listen to, after all you know yourself better than anyone else.

3. Rebuild.

Think about who you are, who you want to be, and what you have to offer.  With your aspirations in mind, and the end goal of being an excellent partner also in mind, you can now begin to reflect, and rebuild to that person you are.  Who are you?  What makes you special? Why would you make such a good partner?  All very important points to think about—maybe your ex did say some nasty things during a bad break-up, but maybe as bad as they were, you need to think if any of those observations were true.      

4. De-stress and relax.

Honestly, relaxing and de-stressing will make not only your life easier, but it will make the people around you take notice, and perhaps even change their attitude towards you.  If you’re care-free then you exude a quality which is highly desired.  Life is not worth or sweating the small stuff, and if you are that type of person, you may want to take a look in the mirror, and realize that your stress and the way you deal with that stress is not conducive to a healthy blossoming relationship. 

While keeping these thoughts in mind for you emotional state, you could also translate these pointers to other facets of your life to improve your entire wellbeing.  Eat healthier, sleep more, drink more water, get more exercise—by changing this everyday stuff as well, you will become a completely different person with a whole world of good to offer.

Bonjour!

Hello fellow followers—sorry I have been on a hiatus for quite sometime, but I’m back and ready to dish about the online dating world.

There has been so much that has happened since my last post, and I guess there’s no better place to start than at the beginning.

So, I reinstated my online dating profile recently and have had quite the adventure…there’s still hope, and I think it’s just an issue of persistence.  My first encounter involved an experienced player.  I’ll call him Mr. Bonjour (there is a funny background to this)—Mr. Bonjour gains his name from a series of rather hilarious text/email conversations, where he would always say bonjour, instead of hello—and chao bella for goodbye; yes, I’ll be the first to admit that this was sweet, but then I was slightly concerned for his own sanity…

He was unnecessarily cheesy—sometimes it’s just too much.  My mistake with Mr. Bonjour was the fact that I was chasing him, and he was eating it up—however, when I changed my attitude towards him and didn’t bother anymore, his also shifted—and just like that, no more cheesy, mushy talk.  I do believe that there are men that inhabit this great earth that are not completely egotistical—finding one seems to be another story.  I gave him the glory he was looking for, and that was my fault for thinking he was that worthy.

Honestly, all a girl wants is to be the center of a guys universe, I think we as females can be a little egotistical that way.  We want to know without a shadow of a doubt that you’re into us—this is shown not so much through words but actions.  Is the guy initiating, or you?

I guess my point comes down to this: even though I was not into Mr. Bonjour, I gave him the wrong impression that I was by not following the rules.  I ultimately gave him what he wanted, which was validation that he is a god among mere mortals.  So, learn from my mistakes, yes it’s also important to make your own, but know that you need a guy that is going to make you his number one priority, not himself.  Don’t initiate, and let him do the chasing, if he’s interested in you, he’ll do whatever to show you that. 

Keep in mind that showing is often more important than telling. -Regan

James & Regan are the minds behind the top10usdatingsites.com, where the goal is to promote and encourage the value and popularity of online dating. Peoples’ attitudes have changed significantly over the past few years, and we celebrate this new attitude by bringing you all the best web dating sites on one convenient website. Online dating is fun and can have lasting rewards when done right, so when you need the most comprehensive list of dating sites, look no further than top10usdatingsites.com.

It’s not you, It’s me

It is hard to be criticized, especially by the ones you love.  But it is even harder to admit to ourselves that WE may be the one with an issue.  Sometimes you get to a point where you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, what you are doing and whom you have hurt.  You begin to fall into this pattern, and put yourself in the frame of reference that, maybe it’s fixable-this issue you’re having in your relationship(s).  But, time and time again you speak and act without thinking about the full repercussions your actions will have.

I am writing you today to say that, while the line “it’s not you, it’s me” is so cliché it quite possibly could be true.  As you begin to take a step back from everything, and begin to really look at yourself there are a lot of issues that may come to light.  And then, the ah ha moment!  Coming to the realization that-it’s not you-it’s me.

Sometimes it takes that fall, a very hard fall to get us back on the right track to self-preservation.  During this “stepping back period” it’s important to think only about yourself, and the role you have played in your relationships with loved ones, friends and family members. 

What is the common thread?  By finding this thread, you are then able to more easily pinpoint what your issue may be-and again, the ah-ha of your entire life and your role in any relationship suddenly makes sense.

After personally experiencing my own moment of enlightenment, this is where it gets exciting, the turning point.  I feel so much more positive in repairing the relationships that, over the months or years have become very worn down.  I do realize that it will take some time to hone in these new relationship tools-but I am still excited about the journey of making my relationships stronger. 

To be honest with you admittance and acceptance were for me, the hardest part of this process thus far.  I was the one that, for years blamed my actions on circumstances that I believed to be true.  I never had the time or the patience to sit down, and try and figure this entire issue out.  It never occurred to me to think about those threads, and ultimately see how my reactions to certain situations were not fair.  It’s not you, it’s me and I am so excited to see where this recent epiphany will guide my relationships.

James & Regan are the minds behind the top10usdatingsites.com, where the goal is to promote and encourage the value and popularity of online dating. Peoples’ attitudes have changed significantly over the past few years, and we celebrate this new attitude by bringing you all the best web dating sites on one convenient website. Online dating is fun and can have lasting rewards when done right, so when you need the most comprehensive list of dating sites, look no further than top10usdatingsites.com.

Trusting Yourself:

Trusting yourself is something that I struggle with constantly; I know it drives my significant other nuts, because with most things I cannot seem to make a decision.  This is frustrating to all parties involved, and I’m trying to get a handle on it.  Slowly, but surely, I’m certain that I can get to the point where I have confidence in my decisions, and in myself, thus showing through in everything from relationships to decisions.

Lately, well, the past few years, I’ve had trouble trusting myself.  This has translated into relationships that have come and gone, for one reason or another.  I want to change this way of thinking, because I don’t want to sabotage any more relationships.  While where I am is not perfect, I am so happy with what and who I have.  I don’t want to lose this just because first and foremost I cannot even trust myself.

An interesting point I came across: “Sometimes it only takes one person to determine that nobody is in fact trustworthy. In the process, we often lose trust in ourselves—simply because our judgment of the person or circumstance was incorrect—and we then wonder how we can believe our own judgment. As a result, we might close our hearts, repress our emotions, and walk around numb or suspicious in relationships.”[1]

I’ve done some looking around, and here is what I have come up with as ways to change your way of thinking:

·      Your mother was right after all; Eating right and exercising is important-especially to your own emotional wellbeing.

·      Learn from your mistakes-and see them as lessons; don’t hold a grudge, but be smarter about your decisions.

·      Learn to forgive yourself; No one is perfect, we need to forgive ourselves in order to eventually move on.

·      Follow your intuition; you know yourself best, just listen.

·      Try to involve yourself in activities that will challenge you, but also teach you a lot about yourself.

·      Your point of view is the most important; You are the only one that has to live with and face yourself everyday-it doesn’t really matter what other people think

·      Speak up for yourself-by breaking out of a more quiet, reserved role, you will eventually break the cycle, and become more confidant in yourself.

·      Try anything, just to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing something new; by doing this, you are building trust in yourself for the future.

·      Don’t allow yourself to fall into a role of self-defeating talking or thinking; Start to believe in yourself, and the trust will come.

·      Surround yourself with good people; People who love you and care about you, no matter what.

This is a big list to follow, and think very carefully about.  I hope this will instill a new level of confidence in you, in turn allowing you to learn to trust yourself, and build your relationships stronger.

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[1] Dr. Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., “A Simple Exercise to Increase Trust in Yourself,” March 17, 2010, <http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/201003/simple-exercise-increase-trust-in-yourself> (accessed August 30, 2011).

James & Regan are the minds behind the top10usdatingsites.com website trying to help singles everywhere discover the fun and adventure in online dating.

The 5 Steps to Finding your Online Match:

1. Determine what you want in a relationship, is it a friend, a significant other, or a life partner you’re looking for.  Are you serious about finding the right person, or is it more the experience you’re interested in?  You most likely would want to find someone with the same expectations as yourself.  Being on the same page will ensure that you are honest from the start, and won’t be stringing or strung along.
2. Have a list; I think almost everyone has some sort of mental list or what he or she is looking for in a relationship.  It may serve you better to write down what your wants and needs are, and determine level of importance to you.  Being able to visually see what you want will help you put everything into perspective, and prioritize important things to you.
3. See what’s out there; don’t be afraid to do your research on which dating site you would like to join.  If you get stuck, you can always view our list of dating sites. There are hundreds out there, and the more effort you put into finding the right site for you, the more likely you will be to find someone successfully.  You can target sites that may be specific to your interests, or you may decide that one of the bigger, more commercialized sites suits you better.
4. After you’ve taken some time to do your research, you’ll need to start deciding which site you would like to join.  Again, make another list of matchmaking sites, this time with pros and cons, listing the sites that you researched.  This will make it easier to narrow down your final decision.  You are more than welcome to have multiple accounts-if there is one site that you like for one thing and a separate one you like for something else, you can always join both and go from there beginning your online dating experience.
5. Utilize the sites to the best of your ability to find your match.  Be proactive and engaging, sending messages, and responding if you’re interested.  You will have a positive experience this way, along with greater success for your dating future.  Good luck, and get going!

Can You Be "Just Friends"

This is a question that I’ve thought about a lot in recent years.  Is it possible for people of the opposite sex to be just friends?  I remember the last time I had a guy friend was back in high school or college, before I had a significant other in my life.  Even then, I didn’t go out of my way to be friends with them-they just happened to be in the same classes and we hung out with the same group of people, according to Psychology Today that is the easiest time in a person’s life to have a friend who is of the opposite sex, they report that shortly thereafter relationships are about finding a mate.

Interestingly enough "The belief that men and women can't be friends comes from another era in which women were at home and men were in the workplace, and the only way they could get together was for romance," explained Linda Sapadin, a psychologist in Valley Stream, New York. "Now they work together and share sports interests and socialize together."[1]

Although it could be tricky to maintain such a delicate balance in becoming friends researchers are finding that there are reasons behind this.  There have been several challenges pointed out by Don O’Meara, Ph. D., at the University of Cincinnati-Raymond Walters College which include: defining it, dealing with attraction, seeing each other as equals, facing people’s responses to the relationship and meeting in the first place.

So, while some researchers agree and even point out that friendships of the opposite sex are important would you be comfortable having a friend of the opposite sex?

In my opinion, if there is mutual respect in your relationship not to want anything more than a friendship then there is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex.  If you are both up front and honest that you just want a plutonic relationship, while it’s hard I feel it is possible for men and women to be friends.

On the other hand, if there is some sort of sexual attraction of any kind, and you didn’t want it to turn into anything romantic, then it’d probably be best not to become so close with that one person in the first place-use your judgment and determine what you want from this pending relationship.

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[1] “Can Men and Women be Friends?”  PsychologyToday.com  Accessed 2011-07-27

He's Just Not that into You

People are funny, they are-we all have unusual habits that make us a little funny.  I was talking with a good friend the other day, which I’ve known for about 10 years.  She is recently broken up from a pretty serious relationship (they were engaged, for about 2 years), and I asked her how it was going.

Her reply was pretty blunt, and I was a little surprised.  In short, she ultimately said that she didn’t know what she was doing, and she was only seeing a guy once or twice, and then nothing.

I told her she needed to read “He’s Just Not that Into You,” Written by former Sex and the City writer Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.  I know when you hear former Sex and the City writer you might not place very much value on this read, but it is a very, very good book, with some very practical information.

My friend was also saying that she was the one approaching these guys, and pursuing them; which, in my mind is the wrong way about going about all of this.  When you read HJNTIY, you’ll see more clearly that it is the male’s position to pursue the female-which makes sense, the animal kingdom works that way too.  Bottom line, men are simple, they are not going to send mixed messages, if you don’t see them or have any contact with them after the first date/meeting/message-then he’s just not that into you-hopefully you won’t get too hung up about it, and will be able to move on to someone who actually IS interested in you.

Image Source: Men & Women