Bonjour!

Hello fellow followers—sorry I have been on a hiatus for quite sometime, but I’m back and ready to dish about the online dating world.

There has been so much that has happened since my last post, and I guess there’s no better place to start than at the beginning.

So, I reinstated my online dating profile recently and have had quite the adventure…there’s still hope, and I think it’s just an issue of persistence.  My first encounter involved an experienced player.  I’ll call him Mr. Bonjour (there is a funny background to this)—Mr. Bonjour gains his name from a series of rather hilarious text/email conversations, where he would always say bonjour, instead of hello—and chao bella for goodbye; yes, I’ll be the first to admit that this was sweet, but then I was slightly concerned for his own sanity…

He was unnecessarily cheesy—sometimes it’s just too much.  My mistake with Mr. Bonjour was the fact that I was chasing him, and he was eating it up—however, when I changed my attitude towards him and didn’t bother anymore, his also shifted—and just like that, no more cheesy, mushy talk.  I do believe that there are men that inhabit this great earth that are not completely egotistical—finding one seems to be another story.  I gave him the glory he was looking for, and that was my fault for thinking he was that worthy.

Honestly, all a girl wants is to be the center of a guys universe, I think we as females can be a little egotistical that way.  We want to know without a shadow of a doubt that you’re into us—this is shown not so much through words but actions.  Is the guy initiating, or you?

I guess my point comes down to this: even though I was not into Mr. Bonjour, I gave him the wrong impression that I was by not following the rules.  I ultimately gave him what he wanted, which was validation that he is a god among mere mortals.  So, learn from my mistakes, yes it’s also important to make your own, but know that you need a guy that is going to make you his number one priority, not himself.  Don’t initiate, and let him do the chasing, if he’s interested in you, he’ll do whatever to show you that. 

Keep in mind that showing is often more important than telling. -Regan

James & Regan are the minds behind the top10usdatingsites.com, where the goal is to promote and encourage the value and popularity of online dating. Peoples’ attitudes have changed significantly over the past few years, and we celebrate this new attitude by bringing you all the best web dating sites on one convenient website. Online dating is fun and can have lasting rewards when done right, so when you need the most comprehensive list of dating sites, look no further than top10usdatingsites.com.

It’s not you, It’s me

It is hard to be criticized, especially by the ones you love.  But it is even harder to admit to ourselves that WE may be the one with an issue.  Sometimes you get to a point where you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, what you are doing and whom you have hurt.  You begin to fall into this pattern, and put yourself in the frame of reference that, maybe it’s fixable-this issue you’re having in your relationship(s).  But, time and time again you speak and act without thinking about the full repercussions your actions will have.

I am writing you today to say that, while the line “it’s not you, it’s me” is so cliché it quite possibly could be true.  As you begin to take a step back from everything, and begin to really look at yourself there are a lot of issues that may come to light.  And then, the ah ha moment!  Coming to the realization that-it’s not you-it’s me.

Sometimes it takes that fall, a very hard fall to get us back on the right track to self-preservation.  During this “stepping back period” it’s important to think only about yourself, and the role you have played in your relationships with loved ones, friends and family members. 

What is the common thread?  By finding this thread, you are then able to more easily pinpoint what your issue may be-and again, the ah-ha of your entire life and your role in any relationship suddenly makes sense.

After personally experiencing my own moment of enlightenment, this is where it gets exciting, the turning point.  I feel so much more positive in repairing the relationships that, over the months or years have become very worn down.  I do realize that it will take some time to hone in these new relationship tools-but I am still excited about the journey of making my relationships stronger. 

To be honest with you admittance and acceptance were for me, the hardest part of this process thus far.  I was the one that, for years blamed my actions on circumstances that I believed to be true.  I never had the time or the patience to sit down, and try and figure this entire issue out.  It never occurred to me to think about those threads, and ultimately see how my reactions to certain situations were not fair.  It’s not you, it’s me and I am so excited to see where this recent epiphany will guide my relationships.

James & Regan are the minds behind the top10usdatingsites.com, where the goal is to promote and encourage the value and popularity of online dating. Peoples’ attitudes have changed significantly over the past few years, and we celebrate this new attitude by bringing you all the best web dating sites on one convenient website. Online dating is fun and can have lasting rewards when done right, so when you need the most comprehensive list of dating sites, look no further than top10usdatingsites.com.

Trusting Yourself:

Trusting yourself is something that I struggle with constantly; I know it drives my significant other nuts, because with most things I cannot seem to make a decision.  This is frustrating to all parties involved, and I’m trying to get a handle on it.  Slowly, but surely, I’m certain that I can get to the point where I have confidence in my decisions, and in myself, thus showing through in everything from relationships to decisions.

Lately, well, the past few years, I’ve had trouble trusting myself.  This has translated into relationships that have come and gone, for one reason or another.  I want to change this way of thinking, because I don’t want to sabotage any more relationships.  While where I am is not perfect, I am so happy with what and who I have.  I don’t want to lose this just because first and foremost I cannot even trust myself.

An interesting point I came across: “Sometimes it only takes one person to determine that nobody is in fact trustworthy. In the process, we often lose trust in ourselves—simply because our judgment of the person or circumstance was incorrect—and we then wonder how we can believe our own judgment. As a result, we might close our hearts, repress our emotions, and walk around numb or suspicious in relationships.”[1]

I’ve done some looking around, and here is what I have come up with as ways to change your way of thinking:

·      Your mother was right after all; Eating right and exercising is important-especially to your own emotional wellbeing.

·      Learn from your mistakes-and see them as lessons; don’t hold a grudge, but be smarter about your decisions.

·      Learn to forgive yourself; No one is perfect, we need to forgive ourselves in order to eventually move on.

·      Follow your intuition; you know yourself best, just listen.

·      Try to involve yourself in activities that will challenge you, but also teach you a lot about yourself.

·      Your point of view is the most important; You are the only one that has to live with and face yourself everyday-it doesn’t really matter what other people think

·      Speak up for yourself-by breaking out of a more quiet, reserved role, you will eventually break the cycle, and become more confidant in yourself.

·      Try anything, just to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing something new; by doing this, you are building trust in yourself for the future.

·      Don’t allow yourself to fall into a role of self-defeating talking or thinking; Start to believe in yourself, and the trust will come.

·      Surround yourself with good people; People who love you and care about you, no matter what.

This is a big list to follow, and think very carefully about.  I hope this will instill a new level of confidence in you, in turn allowing you to learn to trust yourself, and build your relationships stronger.

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[1] Dr. Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., “A Simple Exercise to Increase Trust in Yourself,” March 17, 2010, <http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/201003/simple-exercise-increase-trust-in-yourself> (accessed August 30, 2011).

James & Regan are the minds behind the top10usdatingsites.com website trying to help singles everywhere discover the fun and adventure in online dating.

The 5 Steps to Finding your Online Match:

1. Determine what you want in a relationship, is it a friend, a significant other, or a life partner you’re looking for.  Are you serious about finding the right person, or is it more the experience you’re interested in?  You most likely would want to find someone with the same expectations as yourself.  Being on the same page will ensure that you are honest from the start, and won’t be stringing or strung along.
2. Have a list; I think almost everyone has some sort of mental list or what he or she is looking for in a relationship.  It may serve you better to write down what your wants and needs are, and determine level of importance to you.  Being able to visually see what you want will help you put everything into perspective, and prioritize important things to you.
3. See what’s out there; don’t be afraid to do your research on which dating site you would like to join.  If you get stuck, you can always view our list of dating sites. There are hundreds out there, and the more effort you put into finding the right site for you, the more likely you will be to find someone successfully.  You can target sites that may be specific to your interests, or you may decide that one of the bigger, more commercialized sites suits you better.
4. After you’ve taken some time to do your research, you’ll need to start deciding which site you would like to join.  Again, make another list of matchmaking sites, this time with pros and cons, listing the sites that you researched.  This will make it easier to narrow down your final decision.  You are more than welcome to have multiple accounts-if there is one site that you like for one thing and a separate one you like for something else, you can always join both and go from there beginning your online dating experience.
5. Utilize the sites to the best of your ability to find your match.  Be proactive and engaging, sending messages, and responding if you’re interested.  You will have a positive experience this way, along with greater success for your dating future.  Good luck, and get going!

Can You Be "Just Friends"

This is a question that I’ve thought about a lot in recent years.  Is it possible for people of the opposite sex to be just friends?  I remember the last time I had a guy friend was back in high school or college, before I had a significant other in my life.  Even then, I didn’t go out of my way to be friends with them-they just happened to be in the same classes and we hung out with the same group of people, according to Psychology Today that is the easiest time in a person’s life to have a friend who is of the opposite sex, they report that shortly thereafter relationships are about finding a mate.

Interestingly enough "The belief that men and women can't be friends comes from another era in which women were at home and men were in the workplace, and the only way they could get together was for romance," explained Linda Sapadin, a psychologist in Valley Stream, New York. "Now they work together and share sports interests and socialize together."[1]

Although it could be tricky to maintain such a delicate balance in becoming friends researchers are finding that there are reasons behind this.  There have been several challenges pointed out by Don O’Meara, Ph. D., at the University of Cincinnati-Raymond Walters College which include: defining it, dealing with attraction, seeing each other as equals, facing people’s responses to the relationship and meeting in the first place.

So, while some researchers agree and even point out that friendships of the opposite sex are important would you be comfortable having a friend of the opposite sex?

In my opinion, if there is mutual respect in your relationship not to want anything more than a friendship then there is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex.  If you are both up front and honest that you just want a plutonic relationship, while it’s hard I feel it is possible for men and women to be friends.

On the other hand, if there is some sort of sexual attraction of any kind, and you didn’t want it to turn into anything romantic, then it’d probably be best not to become so close with that one person in the first place-use your judgment and determine what you want from this pending relationship.

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[1] “Can Men and Women be Friends?”  PsychologyToday.com  Accessed 2011-07-27

He's Just Not that into You

People are funny, they are-we all have unusual habits that make us a little funny.  I was talking with a good friend the other day, which I’ve known for about 10 years.  She is recently broken up from a pretty serious relationship (they were engaged, for about 2 years), and I asked her how it was going.

Her reply was pretty blunt, and I was a little surprised.  In short, she ultimately said that she didn’t know what she was doing, and she was only seeing a guy once or twice, and then nothing.

I told her she needed to read “He’s Just Not that Into You,” Written by former Sex and the City writer Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.  I know when you hear former Sex and the City writer you might not place very much value on this read, but it is a very, very good book, with some very practical information.

My friend was also saying that she was the one approaching these guys, and pursuing them; which, in my mind is the wrong way about going about all of this.  When you read HJNTIY, you’ll see more clearly that it is the male’s position to pursue the female-which makes sense, the animal kingdom works that way too.  Bottom line, men are simple, they are not going to send mixed messages, if you don’t see them or have any contact with them after the first date/meeting/message-then he’s just not that into you-hopefully you won’t get too hung up about it, and will be able to move on to someone who actually IS interested in you.

Image Source: Men & Women

Why Being Friends is Important

In any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship it’s important to be friends first otherwise it could turn into a strictly business relationship.

You hear people all the time say “I’m married/in a relationship with my best friend.”  Honestly, I never even thought this was possible, but it makes perfect sense.  I’ve never fully understood this until now-many previous relationships were just rushed into, without thinking, do I really like this person as a friend also, could they be a friend, and will they be a friend further down the road.

I’ve also come to find that being in a relationship with someone that is one of your best friends makes life and the relationship a lot more enjoyable-this just seems easier and seamless.  My advice would be to take it slow in the beginning, because even if you like this person in a relationship kind of way, I think if you’re not friends first, when your relationship needs help and attention it’s easier to stray away from because there isn’t that sense of also having a friend.

I was a relationship friend virgin until recently, and I have to say that from this experience there has been a night and day kind of feeling about him and us-and it’s all good.  Our relationship aside, I consider him one of my closest friends, and I know it sounds crazy but it just feels like because of that friendship being in place I feel closer and safer with him.

So, be friends first, and let the relationship portion come naturally-it’ll be more fulfilling that way, and although no relationship is perfect, being friends seems to make things deeper and easier.

Starting Off on the Right Foot

I think in any relationship it’s important to start off on the right foot-otherwise you’re just setting yourself up for a potentially bad ending.  While sometimes it’s hard to admit to ourselves, much less strangers that we may have flaws, or may not be as perfect in reality as we appear in a profile, it’s important to be honest.

After all, most people that are using online dating sites are using it for the good of actually wanting to meet someone that they can build a relationship with.  I think trust can be one of the hardest parts of a relationship, especially if you’ve been burned in the past-but if you try and keep an open mind and stay honest, you’ll find someone who will ideally be in the same mindset.

So, with all this being said, there is a “list” that was created documenting the top four things people lie about when creating their online profile, or looking for a relationship.

1. People lie about their height, according to OK Cupid, who conducted the study, people are really 2” shorter in reality.  What was intriguing from the findings was the fact that taller people in general seem to have more partners.
2.  People lie about their income; according to OK Cupid, "People are 20% poorer than they say they are."
3. Their pictures, "The more attractive the picture, the more likely it is to be out-of-date." On the whole, the dating site found that "over a third of the hottest photos on the site are a year old or more. And more than twice as many hot photos are over three years old (12%) as average-looking ones (5%)."
4. People lie about their sexuality; "80% of self-identified bisexuals are only interested in one gender."

This seems a little disturbing if you really think about it-these findings really hone in on the fact that some people will try to create an illusion of who they really are to get what they want.  But isn’t this the case with traditional dating too?  Everyone wants to make a good impression, and I think it’s only after you know someone for a while that you will truly begin to see who they are and if they’ve been putting up a front so to speak.  I’ve heard various numbers, but it seems to be the case that anywhere from the 3-6 month mark is when a person can no longer keep up with creating an illusion.  You’ll begin to really get to know each other during this time period, and hopefully get to see what the other is made of.

If you’re truthful and honest from the start, then there will be nothing to hide and be stressed about as the relationship progresses.  You’ll also eventually have a partner that trusts you, and vice versa, which I think is the most important.

Photo Credit: Evgeni Dinev

Source Credit: The 4 Things Online Daters Lie About MOST

why men die before women

Just When You Know...

Things become much different when you find that one person that loves you for you.  The person that is not one bit selfish or manipulative.  While I'm not of the belief that you should compare past relationships to current ones it's hard not to do-especially when where you are now is so much better, and who you're with now you love in a kind of way that you never thought was possible before.

It's hard to imagine that this person that is perfect for you is just out there-but it's true, and I'm in complete bliss with what I've found.  It takes time, and patience, but sometimes it just takes something different, something that's not right for you to make you realize and appreciate how important this new person in your life is.

While we've only been together a short while, there are just certain things that you begin to pick up on, that clue you in and make you come to the point of realization that there are people out there that are genuine and do love.  I'm so thankful for what I've found and the special person that's come into my life, he's helped me through a lot and been there for me every step of the way.  I love him so much, more than I've ever loved anyone-that to me is different and telling at the same time.  I know that he is a very special person, so much so that I want him in my life for the long run.  I am so thankful that he has come into my life, and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Sometimes, things are just different and you just find yourself knowing you're in love with this one person that means the world to you.

Stay the course, and try to build from a friendship-after all this is the one person that's going to end up knowing you inside and out-they might as well become one of your closest friends.  Just be you, and be happy with who you are, the right person will come along when you least expect it-trust me.


Image Source: http://nolongercensored.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/60062-leave_someone_committed_relationship_met_someone_felt_compatible_with.jpg

Stay Strong

I recently read an interesting article that pointed out that the majority of people using online dating sites end up canceling their accounts within an average of three months; simply because they get discouraged about not meeting anyone.

I guess the biggest lesson in all of this is that, good things take time-a good solid relationship takes months if not years to strengthen.  This is easy to say, but I have to admit I need to start believing myself and learning to be patient within my own relationships.

It's so hard to see other people around you that already have what you want-you want to be there, and we all just need to become a little stronger, become more patient, and smile :)  Good things take time.

Going the Distance

Is chasing your dreams more important than staying put to be with the one you love? With neither fancying the idea of a long distance relationship, the question remains: the fact that the circumstances are somewhat not ideal, but the love for each other is very strong, one of the parties wants to work and live in a beautiful place but the other cannot leave, what should they do?

The one who can't leave gives his full support to her for having dreams and wanting to fulfill them. He doesn't want her to ever regret not having chased her dreams, but is the first to admit that it would be hard if she left, he would be really devastated. Long distance for 2 years is really the maximum but any longer and it really would be all over. From her perspective staying seems the easiest choice, but is she going to regret not chasing her dreams. Something she has always wanted to do since she was very young. Is staying put the right thing for her to do. Is he asking too much for her to stay? They are starting a business together, still very young so they will have lots of contact with each other - would a long distance even work....

Photo Credit: http://mappery.com/map-of/Cross-Country-Bike-Route-Map 

The Perfect Complement

A dear friend of mine and I were talking about relationships in general-and she brought up this point, which I thought was rather groundbreaking at the time.  I’m sure you’ve heard the cliché “you complete me,” which, yes is nice, but does anyone really understand what that means?  In talking with my friend, she brought up the very valid point that no one is perfect.  So, if none of us are perfect, and we are hoping for that other person that makes us perfect, aren’t we all just entering into a relationship death sentence?

It is contradictory to think that we can become perfect when this person is a part of our lives.  We are all individuals, and even throughout a relationship should maintain that sense of individuality, so as to not become this person we never wanted to be.

The way we should be approaching our relationships is then quite simple, and it’s all about having a different mindset.  Instead of “you complete me,” we should be thinking, “you complement me.”  With this new mindset, you have to keep in mind that together you and your partner are better, you are not perfect, as individuals, or together-again, no one is.

But with the attitude that your partner complements you, you then have the confidence in knowing that with them you are a better person.  I know in our relationship, my better half does compliment me-he’s everything that I’m not, but will still admit to not being perfect.

I think a good deal of balance and luck come in finding that person that happens to complement you, and make you a better, stronger, wiser person.

Traveling

Traveling, it seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal or an issue; in my experience, traveling has become a kind of magnifier of a relationship.  If you and you partner are placed in a different environment, are experiencing new things with each other, are spending time together, and are managing to do all this without killing each other I think it’s a good starting point and foundation for a great relationship.

On the other hand, while my significant other and I agree on the fact that life is too short to argue over or let little things bother us-it seems like some people just can’t let those things go.  While each individual has to make their own decisions, sometimes it’s the little things that become clear, the little things that can potentially turn into bigger things that we begin to see and understand when we aren’t clouded with our day-to-day lives.

I’ve watched the Amazing Race for several years, and in the back of my mind have always thought that it should be a requirement to further a relationship-especially a relationship that you want to grow into something more-in terms of dating, getting married, etc., the race, while kind of quirky at times with some of the tasks, allows the contestants/partners to build on their relationship.  It brings up all the important parts of that relationship, and tests that, and while pointing out faults that a relationship may have, it allows the partners to grow stronger and build more trust because they aren’t in their typical setting.

Would you trust yourself enough to travel far and wide to test the strength and potential of your relationship? 

From the Other Side of the Fence-Some Deadly Words

Again, no offense is intended-but as a female I feel most of these are dead on...Take a look and see what you think!

FIVE DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN:

(1) FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING - Means SOMETHING & you need to be WORRIED.
(3) GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission, do NOT do it.
(4) WHATEVER - Is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK - she is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake. 

The Man Rules

I thought these man rules were hilarious, so I thought I would share. Some of them are very true and I think the girls will agree too. Please comment and don't be offended!

How long is too long for being away?

So Regan and I were apart for almost 5 weeks while I travelled with work. I must admit it was some of the hardest days I've had in a long time. However, we kept in touch using Skye, but we missed each other pretty badly. If fact, at the back end of the 5 weeks, it almost became intolerable, as we began getting snippy with each other, mainly because we just wanted to see each other. So the question is low long is too long? Blog us your answers.

Some Really Good Advice

Whether updating your profile pictures, or finally meeting your online interest-have a look at these tips for looking your best.  Remember, it's important to depict yourself accurately-you definitely don't want to build your relationship on a false impression.  

Weekend Patience

So, the weekend is almost over, but it still could be seen as a great opportunity to reconnect with your online interest.  For me personally, I began online dating because I was a young professional that didn't really have the time to be going on dates, or meeting people that was eventually leading to nothing.  Don't get me wrong, networking and meeting people is very important to building a strong social foundation.

Regardless of the fact that you are just beginning an online relationship or are involved in a traditional relationship, a lot of the same rules apply.  Good things take time, and while I might be impatient at times, I have had to learn that sometimes you just need to take it slow and wait.  A good, solid relationship takes a long time to build, and if you're serious about making it last, then you could view the time taken as a positive investment.

A theme that has started resonating itself in my life is balance, everything seems to be about balance.  If you're in a relationship, online or traditional and your partner seems to be moving at a different pace, then it might seem like you are off balance.  Speaking from experience, this has happened to me, and the outcome was almost foreshadowed by the lack of balance within our entire relationship.

Not that I'm trying to sound jaded, but I took a lot away from that experience.  One of the most important being both parties need to be on the same page to achieve that balance, and sometimes that takes time.  But, believe me, it'll be worth it.

Have a good rest of the weekend!

Top 10 Hilarious Pick Up Lines

Just for fun, we thought we would share our top 10 pickup lines. Please post us your favorites too!

·         Would you touch me so I can tell my friends that an angel has touched me?

·         If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be called McGorgeous!

·         Can I Buy You A Drink Or Do You Just Want The Money?

·         Can I Have Your Phone Number? I Seem To Have Lost Mine

·         You're like a dictionary ... you add meaning to my life

·         Do you have a bandaid? I scraped my knee when I fell for you

·         Are you from Tennessee cause you’re the only ten I see?

·         Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!

·         I would buy you a drink but I’d just be jealous of the glass.

·         Are you parents bakers… cause you got some hot buns!

Interesting article

The more I read and write about on-line dating, the less of a stigma I know its become. Read this interesting article about this booming industry; http://www.inc.com/best-industries-2011/online-dating-and-matchmaking.html

Trying Different Online Dating Sites

I think the key when using the online dating sites is to use more than one at once. Before I met Regan, I had used many sites to try to find what suited me, some provided a positive experience and others didn't live up to their promises. It really is trial and error, and a lot of patience. -James

I have to agree with James on this one...You need to keep an open mind, and realize that what works for some people might not necessarily work for you.  For instance, if you're using one particular site, and haven't gotten the results you thought you would, you are most likely going to get burned out.  But if you expand your options to more than one specific site, you will have plenty of options to eventually give you exactly what you need.  Make sure to check out sites like this to begin to narrow down what sites are best suited for you. Happy weekend all! -Regan

New Beginnings

Welcome to a new blog filled with new beginnings and opportunities! James and I are so proud to have finally launched a site and accompanying blog that will help daters, cyber daters more specifically. I'll take this opportunity to introduce myself, and our website, top10usdatingsites.com,  which has additional useful tools for your connivence and use.


James and I met at a cocktail party many year ago, and have been good friends ever since.  We've both had our relationship ups and downs, and have come to rely on each other for valuable advice.  We decided to launch top10usdatingsites.com to help fellow singles out there navigate through the sometimes murky waters of dating and relationships.


Our goal is provide advice for choosing an online dating site that's right for you, along with firsthand relationship advice, articles, statistics, and how to's, to make this a fun and enjoyable experience for all!  We are excited to provide both a male and female perspective on relationships.  So, from time to time we will be posting together to give you a balanced view of dating.


We are so excited to begin this adventure with you!  Much more to come -Regan